The End of Shame, Part 2 - Sex on the First Date

Sex on the first date gets a bad rap. There's this popular notion that it somehow cheapens the relationship that follows, that, in fact, no very good relationship can evolve from such an impulsive act of intimacy. I've even heard the claim (from various people and on different occasions) that one should wait until third 3rd date to consummate. Or maybe I just know a lot of square people. In any case, I just want to say that I think this taboo is based on a very dumb and illogical assumption- that mutual sexual pleasure is not the most important component of a healthy relationship. Now, I grant that sexual compatibility alone does not make a great match. But the sting that comes from discovering you have nothing in common with your mate beside your desire to get it on doesn't suck as much as the dull ache of sexual incompatibility, especially when he or she had seemed to be your perfect soul mate on those chaste dates 1 and 2. In such a case, chaste dates waste time.

I'm not saying that people should always have sex on the first date - I mean, certainly not if it’s a bad date or even if you like the person but you just don't feel comfortable. I just think it’s silly for two eager and willing people to hold off on the deed just because of some retarded convention. Yeah, there's the risk of making yourself more vulnerable to heartache, like when you really like the person that you're sleeping with, but that person is only interested in sex. I've been in that situation and it was a little bitter and painful in the end. But I don't have any regrets. It was fun while it lasted and I definitely don't think that the situation would have been much different if I had waited longer to have sex. It wouldn't have made that person more interested in a real relationship.

On the other hand, imagine the convenience of discovering that your favorite bedmate is also the person you want to marry! It can happen. Ultimately, I suppose that my marriage will best test my belief that sex on the first date can be the foundation of a very strong bond. Not only did Dan and I have sex within hours of our initial dinner plan, we spent most of the following four days together. We agreed to meet on a Thursday evening for sushi and stayed up until the wee hours in my apartment. I called in sick to work on Friday and we spent most of that day lying in bed, naked, either having sex or watching Beavis and Butthead dvds, with occasional breaks for food. On Saturday morning, Dan drove back to Detroit where I met him that evening for an outdoor concert, after which we went back to his apartment and had more sex until his weird roommate got home. Then we went to Union Street and split the fish and chips and laughed hysterically at each other's jokes. The waiter gave us free pie, which put us in an even better mood. Even better than that, we found that the weird roommate had left the apartment again, so we took advantage of our privacy. Dan's friend Jorge (pronounced "George") from Georgia randomly drove into town at 6am on Sunday morning, which interrupted our activity, but that was okay. We all got breakfast and then Dan dropped me off in Ann Arbor and we were separated again, but only until he picked me up on Monday afternoon. Then we went to another outdoor concert and later had more sex. But before that latter part, we met up with my old friend Meredith, who was very impressed by Dan and assumed that we had been dating for months. It was actually our 3rd date, but then so much had happened. Between Thursday and Tuesday, Dan and I had essentially decided that I would move into his Detroit apartment at the end of the summer, when the weird roommate was expected to leave for good. We also decided that we would eventually get married.

Well, the weird roommate did leave and I moved in as planned. The rest is blog history. Most of my peers thought at the time (and maybe still believe now) that those actions were insane, or at least highly irrational. I don’t regret the outcome and furthermore, I contend that, aside from our wedding weekend, those first few days were the most fun I've ever had in my life. And even if our life together hasn’t always been easy, I’ve never felt disillusioned or unhappy about the big choices we made. All told, I guess that sex on the first date is a pretty mild impulse compared to all of the other decisions I made about Dan. That’s just another reason why I find this “no sex” rule so arbitrary and inane.