Minutia

If Hillary Clinton wins the Democratic Party’s nomination, I will be leading a write-in campaign for No Thanks. That way, I can still flaunt an “I Voted” sticker on Election Day.

Remember when Wheel of Fortune contestants had to spend their winnings on household goods that lay upon a spinning showcase, and there was always a life-size ceramic dog up for grabs? Usually, it was a Dalmatian. Do you know anyone who has ever owned a life-size ceramic Dalmatian? If so, is it not incredibly likely that that person was a Wheel of Fortune contestant circa 1984?

One of my few deep peeves is when “myriad” is used as a noun, because it is actually an adjective.

A character actor is a performer who is known either for consistently portraying the same type of character (e.g. Danny Aiello as That Mob Guy) or for playing myriad (not “a myriad of”) character types. The definition of a character actor is a paradox.

Go, ahead. Eat the brie rind.

Judith Regan used to run a Harper Collins subsidiary for Rupert Murdoch. She is well known for being a reprobate and has found incredible success in publishing many trashy books, like Jenna Jameson’s How to Make Love Like a Porn Star and Jose Canseco’s Juiced. She used to fuck the NYC chief of police, who was supposed to be the secretary of homeland security. But, it turned out that he was married and fucking a third woman AND conducting his affairs in an apartment complex that was reserved for 911 victims and their families, so that didn’t work out for him (nor did this scandal help his old boss Rudy Guiliani’s presidential bid). Judith Regan’s influence ripples through our culture.

What is your most loathsome cliché? Mine is “playing the race card”. I believe that we American citizens should make a compact to eliminate this phrase from all public dialogue, if only because it was borne of the OJ trial.

If Hillary Clinton becomes President, our last four leaders will be named, in order, Bush, Clinton, Bush, Clinton. Does this sound like a democracy?

Judith Regan was supposed to publish and promote OJ Simpson’s book If I Did It, including a televised interview with the man himself, in which he explains how he would have killed his wife if he had actually done it. In a rare moment of grace, the average American decided that was just a little too fucked up, and the deal fell apart.

Chutney is a relish made of fruit and spices. The fruit offers texture, but surprisingly little sweetness. Ketchup is a chutney.

Remember when Pat Sajak had a late night talk show, and a semblance of humanity?

Jose Canseco admitted to using steroids in Juiced and named a lot of other players, too. In his upcoming book, Vindicated, he is said to name Detroit Tigers right fielder Magglio Ordoñez, who rose to new heights last season when he held the highest batting average in the American League. This rumor came to light after Ordoñez and Tigers Gerneral Manager Dave Dombrowski informed the baseball commissioner’s office that Canseco had contacted Ordoñez, offering to keep his name “clear” if Magglio would consider investing in a film project. “I don’t want trouble… He must be desperate for money,” was mild-mannered Magg’s response. Vindicated will not be published by Judith Regan, who got fired last year for spewing obnoxious claims about Jewish people to a Jewish Harper Collins lawyer.